TW: Mentions sexual assault, abuse, and abusive relationships
Having been a survivor since the age of 13, I have always found it difficult to be able to
choose the right people for me, whether it was platonic or romantic relationships. I oftentimes
found myself surrounded by those that didn’t respect me or my boundaries, care about my wants
or needs, or take the time to understand who I was as a person. If I got close enough to anyone to
tell them about my past traumas, they would either say it was ‘too much’, constantly invalidate
my experiences, or not stick around long after that. Over the years, I have found myself in too
many situations where I felt the inability to speak up for myself and instead, froze and
dissociated my way through the assaults or abuse. Unfortunately, from years of dissociating and
freezing to survive, they have become my survival tactics and my go-to in uncomfortable
situations.
When I was in an abusive relationship, I didn’t understand that the whole time I was just
surviving. This was up until I tried to start a different kind of relationship; a healthy one. I have
been in therapy for many years and talked extensively about the difficulties of toxic and abusive
relationships and how the aftermath of these relationships can show up in my daily life.
However, one thing that I was never warned about or made aware of is that toxic relationships
aren’t always the most difficult ones, but sometimes healthy relationships are. It was always
really hard for me to understand why it was taking me so long to fully trust and feel safe with my
current partner when he never showed me that I couldn’t. I always felt like there was something
wrong with me and that it must mean that I didn’t deserve a healthy relationship. I started to
wonder if I was the reason that my other relationships were abusive if I couldn’t figure out how
to be with someone who wasn’t. I now know that none of these thoughts were true or helpful and
just contributed to my feelings of shame and guilt.
As survivors who are used to unsafe relationships, our bodies have also grown
accustomed to how these relationships made us feel and put us in survival mode during the
abuse. When we start to get into a healthy relationship it feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable
which can trigger our flight or fight responses. No matter how badly you want this relationship to
work because you know deep down you deserve it, your body is telling you that it is scary,
unfamiliar, and untrustworthy because it is unfamiliar. It takes compassion by both you and your
partner, time, understanding, and trauma healing to move towards teaching your body to regulate
itself in an uncomfortable context such as a healthy relationship. This inner work can be mentally
and physically draining which can be hard for your partner to go through with you. It is always
important to have constant open communication with one another, but also to check in on each
other’s mental capacity you have at a given time.
It can feel hopeless at times especially if your trauma responses are starting to affect your
relationship, but remember that healing is not linear. Healing is a lifelong process and takes
having compassion for yourself and those around you. However, it is important to ensure that
you are working on your traumas, so that any unprocessed or unresolved traumas don’t manifest
in negative ways within your relationship. If you are working through your traumas, but are not
yet comfortable disclosing them to your partner, have that conversation with them and let them
know that you are working towards being at a place where you feel comfortable enough to do so.
Remember the importance of letting your partner know how much it means to you to have them
there with you being patient through the healing process as well because as hard as it is for us
survivors, it is as hard for our partners going through it with us.
Even within times of hopelessness, there are ways that you can help navigate the
difficulties that you are facing in your relationship. If you are having a hard time feeling safe
with your current partner, despite them not giving you a reason to feel unsafe with them, start
practicing grounding techniques and affirmations surrounding safety. One technique that I have
found to be especially helpful, is firmly planting my feet into the ground, taking deep breaths,
and repeating to myself, “Today is (insert date here) and I am currently (insert location here) and
I am safe where I am in this moment.” This grounding technique helps you not only to regulate
your body through deep breathing but keeps you aware of the present moment. Planting your feet
into the ground helps you engage your body in a way that makes you aware of your surroundings
while repeating the safety affirmation to yourself. Journaling is another way to process your
thoughts and emotions if you feel like you are someone who is often reactive to situations before
giving yourself time to understand what is really going on for you. Sometimes, writing out your
thoughts and feelings can help you see exactly why you feel the way you do so you can come
back to a situation and respond with what triggered the reactive response in you. If you struggle
with issues of self-esteem and self-confidence, take time to rediscover what makes you feel good
about yourself so that these insecurities don’t start to affect how you are treating your partner. If
you feel good about yourself and are actively making time to prioritize what makes you happy,
your partner won’t feel like it is up to them to be your sole source of happiness, which can really
start to weigh on a person.
For those who have suffered from intimate partner violence, sexual assault, abuse, or
childhood sexual abuse, intimacy can be a difficult part of romantic relationships. Intimacy
shows up in relationships in many ways and doesn’t always entail sexual intimacy. Intimacy,
communication, and trust are all connected, and if there isn’t a strong foundation built for one of
these aspects of a relationship, then the other ones will suffer. Being able to openly communicate
with your partner about your levels of comfort with intimacy whether sexual or not, is a very
important step in a relationship. If you aren’t used to showing affection a lot of the time, gestures
such as holding hands, hugging, kissing in public, etc. may feel strange at first. If it is something
that your partner has disclosed they enjoy doing and you are willing to work on it, try
incorporating these gestures into your everyday life even if they feel uncomfortable or unnatural
at first. Over time, you may notice that reaching for your partner’s hand or giving them a kiss
makes you feel connected to your partner as well. Some survivors struggling with sexual
intimacy after an assault may find themselves freezing during sex, having difficulty relaxing/
feeling tense, or feeling uncomfortable being touched. It will take time, but it is important to
work towards rediscovering what you like about sexual intimacy. One way to get back to being
comfortable with sexual intimacy or start being comfortable with sexual intimacy is by starting
small by allowing yourself to feel pleasure in all different aspects of your life and telling yourself
at that moment that you are worthy of feeling pleasure. Before engaging in sexual intimacy, it is
important to tell your partner what specifically you are and aren’t comfortable with, what triggers
you may have, and what you would like your partner to do to help you feel safe throughout.
Rediscovering what you like about sexual intimacy can be a bit awkward at first, especially if
you don’t know where to look. Try doing some research on your own about what gives you
pleasure in intimate situations whether that means looking at ethical porn sites or taking time to
pleasure yourself and rediscover how you like to be touched. Once you feel like you are ready to
engage in sexual intimacy again, it will be important to work on ways that you can feel grounded
and stay in the moment especially if you are someone that freezes or dissociates during. One way
to do this is practicing awareness of what is going on for you without judgment. Another way to
stay grounded during sexual intimacy is through deep breathing or grounding by noticing and
naming your surroundings. After sexual intimacy, aftercare can be a great way to help you
continue feeling connected to your partner while checking in on yourself and how you are
feeling as well. Aftercare can look like cuddling in bed together, taking a shower together, or
exchanging words of encouragement to one another. It can also be done alone if you feel like you
need space to take some time to breathe, process your feelings by journaling, or take a walk for
some fresh air.
No matter what issues you are struggling with within your relationship, there are always
ways to combat them. Know that you are not alone in having difficulties in your healthy
relationship after suffering from abuse or assault. As long as you continue to take the necessary
steps for yourself to work on the specific aspects of your relationship that you are struggling
with, know in your heart you are doing everything you can to work on maintaining your
relationship. It is also important to remember that the issues in your relationship do not all fall on
you because of your trauma. Relationships take two people and your partner needs to be putting
in as much effort as you are into healing your traumas, into understanding them and how to help
you through them.
Written by Taylor Duckworth
Read more from Taylor on her Instagram @sentimentsofasurvivor
Written by Taylor Duckworth